A whole lot of honesty.

I'm not even sure who reads this any more. But I'm going to start off by saying I know that I am truly, truly blessed for so many things in my life and I never ever forget that.

But I have to get something off my chest. I'm not the kind of person that likes to burden others with my problems. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I tend to hide my emotions, tuck them away so that my issues don't get in other people's way. It's just my style. It's not the healthiest thing ever, but it's what I do.
However, in the past I've tended to use writing, both online and real paper, to get this stuff out. So again, I'm not sure who reads this, but regardless here it goes.

I find myself in a familiar place. An unwanted familiar place. A time before a had a place to call home, and time before I had any real sort of confidence and understanding of who I am or wanted to be.
I love Meredith. It is home, it's not just a line I wrote for a speech. I don't know where or who I would be today without it. But I think as I start to get ready to leave this place part of me is trying to push it away. My rational is that if I force myself to separate from this place that has given so much to me, then it will not have as much impact come May. Now that might all seem very silly to outside eyes. But I fear that as I push Meredith away, I'm pushing away the things that I don't want to leave behind. And by things, I really mean people.

I know that in the last few months the number of smiling faces I pass has increased. I wave to more people than ever before, and yet there are still nights like this where I feel more alone than ever. And as I try to figure out what has changed, I fear that something has reappeared in myself that I thought I had gotten rid of. I thought I had warmed up that icy, scary, intimidating version of myself.
I thought I had generated this really great base of friends. I felt like I had so much support here. And I feel that slipping away and I'd be lying if I said that it didn't hurt.

I really don't think I have anyone to blame but myself. I was in a weird mood for a couple of weeks, and I had to pull myself out of that. I'm afraid I pushed that on to my friends. I never meant too, but sometimes I just can't put that happy face on.
I know we are all scared, excited and stressed about whatever is going on in our lives or what might be ahead, but it still doesn't make it okay for me to put that on my friends.
However, I also think that friends should be able to respect those moments and try to support each other through them. And not abandon them, or call them names on a daily basis. But that's all I really want to say about that.
All I know is that before spring of sophomore year I could feel myself preparing for a life alone. And that went away when some amazing people came in my life and I don't know what I would do with out them, even if I suck at being a friend sometimes.

This is a whole lot of words. And even more emotion. You can judge me for putting this out there and not being able to talk about it in person if you want. That's fine. But this is how I deal with things. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't, but it's out there now and it's not wrapped up, deep down, weighing on my spirit and holding me back.

My great hope for all of this is to kill the cynicism that so desperately tries to consume me. It's honestly my biggest personal battle. My second great hope is to over come this, so that my blog can be funny again. It's been WAY too heavy lately.

I'll leave with a funny, yet connected story from my day. I was in the Teeter, shopping for produce, when a familiar tune caught my ear. As I stood next to the zucchini I focused in on the tune to identify it. I quickly realized it was "On My Own" from Les Miz. I thought, "Man, how depressing is that if you are shopping alone! Geez HT way to be haterrrs." Note: I was shopping alone, but I wasn't necessarily dwelling on that aspect so it didn't really depress me, as much as it made me chuckle and go WTF. I love hearing inappropriate music in weird places (like the time I heard "Surry With the Fringe on Top in an Olive Garden Bathroom.)

All right enough of me for now.

And to who ever might read this...

"The truth is, you know, I'd be nothing without everyone..."