Snowy Days

With fresh, clean snow on the ground I have decided to give my blog a fresh, new purpose.

I subscribe to many a food blog and if you live near me or are my friend on facebook you will notice that my new fascination is food. In all regards. Cooking, baking, all of it. I'm enthralled by it. So I have to decided to dedicate part of my blog for my adventures in food. Besides my blogs tend to have too many words and not enough (in fact I don't have any) pictures.

So here is a recap of a couple of my favorite things I'm made in the first month of 2010.

Teacher Muffins for my fantastic student teacher friends.

Cinnamon Rolls in Celebration of the last day first day of classes for the class of 2010.
yowza.

Gravy and pasta. Mmm snow days are delicious.

Today? Who knows. I made the mistake/best decision ever last night by opening "Always Looking Up" by Michael J. Fox. 5 pages in I knew I was hooked. I want to spend my day curled up reading it, but I know I've got homework (and dun, dun, duuuun thesis.) to work on. But really I think this book is better for my education. But I'm sure my GPA would disagree.
We'll see. I think I'll make a coffee cake today.

In the meantime, laziness and the new John Mayer album will consume me.
Til next time.

A whole lot of honesty.

I'm not even sure who reads this any more. But I'm going to start off by saying I know that I am truly, truly blessed for so many things in my life and I never ever forget that.

But I have to get something off my chest. I'm not the kind of person that likes to burden others with my problems. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I tend to hide my emotions, tuck them away so that my issues don't get in other people's way. It's just my style. It's not the healthiest thing ever, but it's what I do.
However, in the past I've tended to use writing, both online and real paper, to get this stuff out. So again, I'm not sure who reads this, but regardless here it goes.

I find myself in a familiar place. An unwanted familiar place. A time before a had a place to call home, and time before I had any real sort of confidence and understanding of who I am or wanted to be.
I love Meredith. It is home, it's not just a line I wrote for a speech. I don't know where or who I would be today without it. But I think as I start to get ready to leave this place part of me is trying to push it away. My rational is that if I force myself to separate from this place that has given so much to me, then it will not have as much impact come May. Now that might all seem very silly to outside eyes. But I fear that as I push Meredith away, I'm pushing away the things that I don't want to leave behind. And by things, I really mean people.

I know that in the last few months the number of smiling faces I pass has increased. I wave to more people than ever before, and yet there are still nights like this where I feel more alone than ever. And as I try to figure out what has changed, I fear that something has reappeared in myself that I thought I had gotten rid of. I thought I had warmed up that icy, scary, intimidating version of myself.
I thought I had generated this really great base of friends. I felt like I had so much support here. And I feel that slipping away and I'd be lying if I said that it didn't hurt.

I really don't think I have anyone to blame but myself. I was in a weird mood for a couple of weeks, and I had to pull myself out of that. I'm afraid I pushed that on to my friends. I never meant too, but sometimes I just can't put that happy face on.
I know we are all scared, excited and stressed about whatever is going on in our lives or what might be ahead, but it still doesn't make it okay for me to put that on my friends.
However, I also think that friends should be able to respect those moments and try to support each other through them. And not abandon them, or call them names on a daily basis. But that's all I really want to say about that.
All I know is that before spring of sophomore year I could feel myself preparing for a life alone. And that went away when some amazing people came in my life and I don't know what I would do with out them, even if I suck at being a friend sometimes.

This is a whole lot of words. And even more emotion. You can judge me for putting this out there and not being able to talk about it in person if you want. That's fine. But this is how I deal with things. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't, but it's out there now and it's not wrapped up, deep down, weighing on my spirit and holding me back.

My great hope for all of this is to kill the cynicism that so desperately tries to consume me. It's honestly my biggest personal battle. My second great hope is to over come this, so that my blog can be funny again. It's been WAY too heavy lately.

I'll leave with a funny, yet connected story from my day. I was in the Teeter, shopping for produce, when a familiar tune caught my ear. As I stood next to the zucchini I focused in on the tune to identify it. I quickly realized it was "On My Own" from Les Miz. I thought, "Man, how depressing is that if you are shopping alone! Geez HT way to be haterrrs." Note: I was shopping alone, but I wasn't necessarily dwelling on that aspect so it didn't really depress me, as much as it made me chuckle and go WTF. I love hearing inappropriate music in weird places (like the time I heard "Surry With the Fringe on Top in an Olive Garden Bathroom.)

All right enough of me for now.

And to who ever might read this...

"The truth is, you know, I'd be nothing without everyone..."

Joyful music leads us sunward In the triumph song of life

A bajillion things flew in to my head today where I said "Man I should blog about that"
Unfortunately that would have made for a never ending blog. Not to mention I'm afraid I forgot some of them. So I'm going to give you the footnotes version of my thoughts today.

1. I need to run/walk around campus as much as possible this last semester. I'll miss it when I'm gone, so I'm going to really appreciate it while I'm here.

2. I enjoy somethings about winter, but this whole cold, dry air all the time is starting to bug me. And my skin. I'm soooo itchy!

3. I really like having going to bed a little bit earlier with a proper pre-bed ritual. I'm getting more and more OCD in my old age.

4. I miss my friends.

5. I need to bake something soon.

6. Now that the The Oaks have cell phone service, I think they might be almost perfect.

7/Fast Update: The past few days I've kind of felt like my fast hasn't been important enough. It started to seem silly to me. Never silly enough to quit, because really, I'm too stubborn for that, but it just didn't seem like it was going to impact me the way that I had hoped. And today I realized that's because I've been putting that music that I'm used to on a higher pedestal than God. I can't tell you how many times I've whined and complained the past few days because I'd have to ignore links to new music one of my favorite bands, or turn away from Glee, and I have to admit I was really bummed when I realized I can't watch the auditions for American Idol (it's the only part I watch, the bad people just crack me up, not to mention the addition of Ellen....but I digress....)
The point is, I'd realized these things that'd I'd be "missing" and whine and bemoan about it and it'd take me too long to remember that I'm doing this to get closer to my Lord. To sacrifice for Him, to be closer to Him.
And it's so foolish of me, because I know that hearing music with a message and higher purpose makes me feel so much more peaceful. You see, as much as I use music to lift myself up if I get in a bad place I am very quick to throw on negative music that will push me down in that dark place and even further away from God. I use that music to wallow in garbage instead of turning to God to pull me out. I'm starting to see the things in my life that are getting in the way of me being closer to God. I guess when it comes down to it I end up being my own worst enemy. With praise music I am constantly reminded that He loves me and that He has sacrificed for me that he is always there to pull me out and that is an amazing feeling. To know that he is always right there, and for me what I've got to do is get out of the way.
-The condensed version of that is GOD IS AMAZING and I have so much love and respect for my (growing!) Northpark family.
I am so blessed, and remember that you are too.

Now to finish putting some new music on my ipod, so that I can start this week of right.

Day 3

Today proved to be a little more challenging.
1st there was the 2 hours I spent in the car driving to Raleigh and then back to the Pines. My fingers twitched as I fought of the urge to turn on my radio. I never realized how little habits dominated my life. As I left Meredith College and hit the on ramp for the inner belt line I felt my hand reach out to my radio switch and I had to pull it away. It was a weird moment, but I enjoyed the sunshine as I drove and the sweet music made me appreciate it more than usual. Gave me a chance to put it perspective and be really thankful.

Then I found out that one of my favorite bands has a new album coming out and a new track had leaked out and I got the link. I immediately clicked on it excited to hear these sweet new tunes. Then I remembered, I won't lie I got a little bummed, but I know what I'm doing is more important and when I remembered why I can't listen to that new song right now, I smiled because I know that I'm doing this for the Lord.

I've got some awesome support from everyone and I thank you for you all your encouragement and prayers.

On to day 4!

These are the words I would say.

Drat. Neglected the blog again. Oh well, new year means time to try again.

I'm actually here with a purpose today. My awesome Northpark Church family is starting the new year with a 21 day fast. They did this last year too, but I chickened out and didn't participate. But this year I'm way on board.

Pastor Anthony asked us "what have we got to lose?" so that's what I started to think about. What do I have to lose? What is something that I could give up to honor God? A lot of the NP family are participating through a more traditional Daniel fast, which is a diet based fast. I really thought about doing that, but I knew that my mom might have a heart attack if I lost anymore weight, so I went back to the drawing board. I really wanted to give up Facebook, I even got really excited when I thought about how much more time I would have to focus on Him, school and my friends if I didn't have facebook to distract me, but then the reality of how much I actually use facebook to communicate for SGA dawned on me and it seemed less feasible. That actually really bummed me out.

I was in the car as this train of thought rolled on. I had the one of the local christian stations on and with out even thinking I switched it to G105, where I promptly got way too excited when I heard that Jay-Z was about to come on. That's kind of when it hit me, I'll let go of this music that is something that I enjoy, but it doesn't glorify Him or make me any closer to Him and that it is something that I find myself almost addicted to. And when I really stopped to think about it I realized how quick I am to switch from KLOVE to some top 40 station in the hopes of hearing Lady Gaga.
So that's what I have decided to fast; secular music. No Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Reba, Jay-Z, if it isn't glorifying the Lord I'm not listening for the next 3 weeks. Music is so powerful and important to me that I know this will be a challenge, but I know that music and prayer are the 2 things that makes me feel closest to God, so I'm really excited to see where I end up over the next 21 days.

Things I hope to gain from this fast:
1. A nearness to God
2. An ability to turn to Him before anything else when things are rough
3. Strength in my faith
4. An epic playlist of music that will get me through anything
5. Peace in myself, through my God


I can already feel improvements and see the obstacles. Textbook troubles hit this morning and I got really frustrated, but I turned on some of my fast friendly music and in just an hour my mood has drastically improved. But it's going to be the habitual things that will be the hardest to break. I walked in to my room to get dressed and I turned my stereo (set to what else? g105) then promptly shut it back off when I realized what I was doing. Same goes for the car and my nasty habit of switching back and forth with my radio presets. Right now, Pandora radio christian stations and my youtube playlist of some of my favorite songs is what is getting me through. (if you have any awesome music that you think I should be listening to during the fast, let me know, I'm totally open to suggestions!)
I know I'm not awesome with the daily updates, but I really want to use this blog to talk about my experience from this fast and see where I go, and where I end up at the end. So keep a look out.


So that's how I'll be starting 2010. I'm not big on new year resolutions, there is always too much that I want to do. I like to set goals that I really want to make happen. So I guess the top of my goals would be : graduate. get a job. start to pay of my loans. start to be an adult.

Man, 2010 is going to be way exciting.
Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go find some more music. :]

"Father I hear it growing louder
The song of your redeemed
As the saints of every nation
Are awakening to sing
From our hearts there comes an anthem
Oh, hear the heavens ring
This is our song, a song to our King!"